It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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