Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
