We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
