It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
