I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Randomize
