everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
