Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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