Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up�
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Randomize
