got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Randomize
