clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
Do vagina's smell?
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
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