sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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