Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
well you can't waste a boner
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
