You just made me feel so damn special
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
