he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
