Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
