Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
