I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
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