My room smells like vodka and shame
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Randomize
