The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Randomize
