I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
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