Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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