Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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