I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
