Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Pants 0. Shit 1.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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