so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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