At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
