I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
