so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
false alarm, still single
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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