I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Randomize
