i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
