i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
