Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
