Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
