I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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