Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
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