I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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