no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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