Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
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