Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
