i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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