Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
There's always time for handjobs
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
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