My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Randomize
