They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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