I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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