i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
