Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
