Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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