watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
