Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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