Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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